Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
