After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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