Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
