If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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