No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
