I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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