Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
