A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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