I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
