I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
