I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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