so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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