I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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