Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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