go do what you do best...puke behind churches
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
