I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
