I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
