real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
