worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
