Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This baby is an asshole
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
