I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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