i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
