I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
