3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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