she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
