Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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