I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
