i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
