My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
