dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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