When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
