Your mouth is God's brothel.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
