the condom got lost in my hair
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
