i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
