Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
