Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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