I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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