Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
