Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
