Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
