He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
