just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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