I wish my penis had an off switch
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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