Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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