i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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