T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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