you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize