he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
