Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
