i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
