Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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