Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
