Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
