the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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