I'd wear matching sweaters with you
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
