and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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